Overwhelming Overcoming

A fitting song for this post, click here to hear.

Where do I even begin, I think I just have to start typing... I never knew life could be this way, I am so overfilled with Joy and I have such Peace in my soul.  While I realize this just sound like Christian-speak, I don't know that there is any other way to describe how I feel.  This is probably why these words have become Christian slogans.  The kind of Love that will enable us to feel this way, is available to everyone... ALL PEOPLE! Isn't that what we all really want anyway, is just to be loved and appreciated.  The “to be appreciated” part is the lesson I learned that has brought me to this Joy.  Love is deep.  Love is not a thing, a feeling, or even a person.  Love must be treated with respect and honored.  After all... God is Love. I think I always thought love was just a basic in life.  That it just came built into people just as any other feeling.  Almost as if, it was a birth right.  I was wrong.  I stand here now, humbled by how majestic and powerful it is.  It will transform you...

Growing up, I was loved and I was cared for. I was brought up in a world full of wonderful Godly people that were great role models and formed a foundation built on the Word of God.  That solid foundation and their praying hands got me to where I am today.  And by that, I mean sitting on my couch alive with a story to tell.  My Mother had me in church from the day I was born till I was old enough to fly the nest. Even after flying the nest she used her "mama's guilt" to get me in that Church for a few more years.   That is the greatest thing she could have ever done for me and because of her display of faithfulness, because of her devotion, I knew where to turn when things got dark. I never questioned my mother's love for me, never have and never will.  My father... that's a different story.  I love my dad and I have respect for the life lesson he taught me.  That lesson was not to become an alcoholic.  There are other things my dad taught me, like... listen to your mother.  Unfortunately, something else he passed on to me was selfishness. Wow, I've been trying to name what that stronghold was that I needed to address for days.  (pause) And it is done!!!  That makes so much sense, that is what has held me back from being able to write this.  My testimony isn't about me, its about sharing it with other people.  So, let me get on with it... That was a generational curse that had developed a stronghold in my life, I am Free!  My family is Free! I have been struggling with that nastiness for 2 weeks.  The ones that love me have been struggling with it for as long as they have known me. 

Alrighty, moving on...that monster has held me back long enough.  So, when I was about 20 years old, I left my mother and father's house.  That is when I started really started to walk my own path and began to make choices that would lead me down some twisted paths.  I was very angry at my dad.  He never abused me physically.  He certainly did emotionally.  Oh wow... he didn't do it intentionally! He couldn't see past himself.  Wow!!!! This is just awesome! That just broke another chain because I've held on to thinking he didn't love me.  I wasn't good enough, I didn't do the right things to earn his love.  My dad did love me, he just couldn't show it.  He was a captive to this thing too.  WOOO! Praise God!

So... when I left the house.  I was angry and I had a lot of hurt.  I had also come to realize I was gay and been made to feel that God wouldn't love me for this thing in me that just seemed so natural to me.  As natural as being right handed.  Sure, I could write with my left hand if needed, but it would just be awkward and the words produced would never be as legible as those from my right hand.  Since I felt like God was angry with me and His love for me was conditional, I ran into the arms of a fallen world. I went through years of running.  Running from God, from those that love me, and from myself.   I began to try to cover the hurt and fill the voids with everything this world had to offer me.  Drugs, sex, alcohol, ciaos, drama...all with reckless abandon.  Each one left me feeling even more empty than I was before.  Except, now even more weighted down carrying the baggage they left behind.  Each one caused the voids to become bigger and pain from the hurts to increase. 

During all of this God never let me go. He was always with me and I could feel Him even in my darkest moments, especially in my darkest moments.  After many years of living a lifeless life (death), I got to my breaking point and felt a need to just "come home". For I am convinced that neither death nor life…can separate us from the love of God. (Romans 8:38-39)  Standing alone in my party pad of an apartment, filled with regret from the previous night’s folly, and reeling over another break to my heart... I called out to God.  Through the years, I had still continued to pray.  Ignorant prayers in hopes that God might somehow still be able to hear me.  But that day, I began to try to recall the last time I had Peace in my life. I picked up my Bible from the coffee table shelf, dusted it off and began to search for answers. It was then realized it was before I left the church.  I knew I needed to be connected again.  I thought...but I'm just so gay I won't be welcomed there, they won't accept me.  Then I remembered that gay church that had a booth at pride, the one with the little pink church.  I called a friend and decided to go check it out.  That was 5 years ago.  I have come so far in these 5 years.  I am not who I used to be, by the Grace of God. 

We overcome by the Blood of the Lamb and the word of our testimony.  On this day, I have overcome by the Blood of the Lamb, I must give my testimony.  I have been changed and I will never be the same.  I have been Blessed to live for 34 years so far and I believe I will be Blessed with many more years.  I tell you what, this testimony has been trying to come out of me for years and many times before, it didn’t come out.  It is coming out today, by the mighty name of Jesus.  He has been so so so good to me and I must tell the story of what His Glory has done for me, how He picked me up, loved me clean, and brought me into feeling brand new today.  Grace!