New levels, same old devils



My battle with selfishness has been a long one. I feel brand new because I am brand new.   The “thing” got to me through a generational curse placed on my dad’s side of the family somewhere down the line. So I have literally been dealing with this thing my whole life. This thing was a forming of my thought process since day one. It ever so sneakily wrapped itself all around many things in my life and formed a massive stronghold.  The thing that got me… was a python spirit, to sum it up in short. It came into my life with stubbornness, selfishness, pride and an unwillingness to submit to proper authority.  It has been choking the voice out of me most of my life.  Stealing my spirit and holding me back from saying what I need to say when I need to say it.  Writing what I need to write and sharing it.  Being who I need to be and being it.

 If I didn’t know I am more sane now than I ever have been, I’d think I was crazy in the way this thing has tried to hold on and keep me down.  The fight with this thing started years ago.  Thousands of years ago, actually.  But in my own personal self, the battle to rid this thing started 4 years ago.  A couple of years after I came to New Covenant, I knew I needed to deal with all the raw emotions surrounding the passing of my dad.  I went to Pastor Leah and Deacon Amy, for counseling.   They began to help me through the process of letting go of those hurts.  In my first sessions with them, we specifically dealt with Dad. We dealt with the pain his, pride, stubbornness, unwillingness to submit, and selfishness had caused in my life. Only now can I see it like that, I just thought he was a drunk that didn’t care.  After those chains broke, I was free to move forward to the next season of my life.  That season led me to becoming a counselor.  During my training a new layer this python spirit and its motley crue was addressed.  It tried to fight back then and manifested itself by giving me a sensation that someone had their hands around my neck.  It’s intent was to scare me, intimidate me.  To get me to run, to shut up, and keep me from doing what God had called me to do.  I ever so slightly kept pushing through.  I still allowed access for that thing to be in my life because I refused to admit that I was acting stubborn.  I told the counselors that I would not address that. I was too stubborn, too full of my own pride, and being too selfish, an unwilling to submit to get free of this thing at that time. I literally told them I was not stubborn and I wouldn’t acknowledge it.  I didn’t even remember this until this week.  That is humbling.

Last Thursday night the counselors were having our regular Thursday night planning and prepping meeting for the Freedom Challenge (Shameless plug http:www.freedomchallengeatl.com) We were discussing which material we should include in the participant guide.  We came across a list of possible things that might have opened a door in our life.  A “getting you thinking” sort of reference guide.  Pastor Leah said, I think we should go through this list and write down anything we might have done.  I immediately had resistance rise up in me.  I dismissed it as just being tired.  The battle going on in me was actually those things, fighting to hold on. My unwillingness to submit almost let this thing win again. My pride was offended that she wanted to spend our time doing something we had already done. Something I was sure I’d already broken off anyway. I was being selfish in not being considerate that some of the other people in the room might not have had the opportunity to remove these things.  My pride also told me, that stuff isn’t that significant.  Most of the stuff on the list was things I’d never heard of.  Others were just silly things I had done at some point out of curiosity. Nothing I had really ever applied my Faith to.  Things like, bloody mary, Ouji board, tarot cards, horoscopes.  You know that nit picky stuff that doesn’t really matter.  OH how that stuff does matter.  It might not affect your life like the “biggies” in deliverance.  Things like past hurts and addiction.  Now, I see they might actually be the very thing affecting you the most.  The silent killers to your spirit.  I feel like it probably goes back to the time my friend had a copy of a satanic book and I opened it. I read just a little just out of curiosity. I still took the book into my possession and allowed its content, however small, into my awareness. I remember that day; I felt in my spirit that something was just creepy about that book and not to pick it up. I was not mature enough to listen to my “spirit man” at that point yet. So in a moment of stubbornness and pride, Saying, oh it’s not a big deal, it’s just a book. In an unwillingness to submit to my “conscience” telling me no.  I allowed this thing to take root in another part of me. If only I could go back to that day… but I can’t, so I’ll move on to tomorrow.  By allowing another part of me to be set free in a moment of submission/obedience to God, it unlocked a key that has brought a break through to removing the pride, selfishness, stubbornness, and unwillingness to submit to proper authority.  To submit to people those truly love me.  Someone who is stubborn, prideful, selfish, and unwilling to submit to Love, cannot receive Love.

At the same time in this season I have been learning about Love; what it means to be loved and give love back.  The moment that has brought me to my knees to finally surrender these things over and search deep enough to find it, was that I unfortunately hurt someone that I truly deeply love. The same person I mention hurting in my first post on this blog. Someone that has stood by me and loved me through all the hurtful things I have done. When I was finally able to see the hurt I had caused her, I knew I had to seek inward and release these things without hesitation or fail. I had to lay it all down, to keep from hurting another person.  It was my time for Freedom.  It has been done, I have been set free!  Praise and Glory to God!!!
 
And now…on to the next chapter, of learning how to accept my wrongs, properly apologize, and make amends.  I have hurt many people that simply just wanted to love/like me.  Forgiveness…from God (done), myself (closer every second), and others (hopeful).

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Soul Ties | What are you hitched to?

Image
Photo from ginosphotos/iStock We often hear it said that deliverance/freedom is like an onion.  Sometimes, we need to peel off layers of things before you get to we can get to the core of an issue. Soul ties have layers.  Like a piece of yarn, there are many threads together to make one string.  So even if you cut one tie, there may be others still linking you to that person, depending on the depth or layers of the relationship and what it’s original intent and purpose was. In a past relationship I had, there was a child involved. Her mother and I were together for several years. During that time I took her daughter own as being “my child”. Her mother and I were never married. Even though we were choosing abstinence until marriage and mostly maintaining that, there was still layers of soul ties formed between us just by living together and calling ourselves a “family”. We were living together and raising this pre-teen to an adult together.  I took res...
Read more

Peace is possible

2/3/16 Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace.   And be thankful. – Colossians 3:15 Several years ago, I was in a seemingly difficult time in my life.   I was struggling with making a decision about a choice I had to make.   The choice I would make would alter the course of my future.   It was just one choice, but I knew it would set the course I would go in.   I wanted to make the right choice.   I was discussing my situation with a wise and trusted friend.   She told me that “God was my umpire” and to trust when He says something should be safe or out.   Like in baseball.   A play is made, and the umpire/referee calls what is safe or out.   What is allowed to continue in the game or put back on the bench.    That simple conversation had impact on my life.   I often think back on that and use that as a judge in my life.   It sounds simple, bu...
Read more

little tongue talker - post as a note on FB

Today’s message in church was about speaking in tongues. I felt lead to share my testimony with it. Speaking in tongues was as foreign to me as the sound of it is. I was brought up in a small missionary baptist church. Every now and again on rare occasions there were a few people that would "shout". It would scare everyone in the church and would be followed by whispers of people all over the church. That was the only experience I had with people encountering the Holy Spirit. When I first came to NCCA in 2007 I was completely weirded out. It was palm Sunday and everyone was waving palm branches, flagging, singing modern songs. The speaking in tongues was intriguing but made me feel nervous, I know now it was my own spirit man doing a little dance, not nervousness. I had never experienced that kind of freedom in worship or that kind of joy. In my home church joy was expressed in tears that looked the same as sadness. I kept coming back, so desperate to feel Gods ...
Read more